PENSIVE ME

This is not a poem composed by me...rather it is the first poem someone has ever written for me, about me....I am so honoured. The poem is just pure feelings..and i love it! (I have not altered a thing in the poem.)

Every morning you come to wake me up with that cheerful smile and a heavenly kiss,
And every morning I would find myself with you in eternal bliss;
But then everything becomes clear and reality would hit upon me hard ---
Like a choke sermon, it would suck the life out of me quite fast.

A tryst with destiny I have now made,
To protect you from ugliness I pledge;
I may not always succeed in putting a smile on your lips,
But I promise I’ll no more be the reason for a single tear running down your cheeks.

I hear your voice in a mosquito’s ‘zing’,
I see your face in the girl last passed by walking;
The warmth of your hands I can imagine feeling, holding,
Your silhouette my mind carves out dreaming…..

But though these feelings keep me going,
Although these I can live feeding on and breathing,
I dread the day we meet in person,
‘Coz the selfish me will get awakened, I fear, which I’m so carefully dominating.

This is unlike anything I’ve ever felt before,
Why is it so different with you?
When all my life being surrounded by people I’ve been alone,
Why do I want to be with only you?

Why can’t I be mad at you?
Why can’t I be at ease when you don’t call, saying you’re OK?
Why can’t I do away with the abstract fallacy ---
The fake world that I’ve created for me?

Why do I feel responsible for you?
Why do I have worries about you?
Why do I fear the evils haunting you?
Knowing that you can’t be mine, why do I care for you?

Why can’t I sleep when you keep unwell?
Why can’t I resist but hope those hopes when you wake me up at daybreak?
Why do I feel bad when your parents don’t understand you?
Why do I miss you when I’m happy and fortunate?

All I know is, we did not meet for no reason….
And if reason be the path to tread upon,
Then I don’t want to be its architect;
Passionately, inconsequentially, I shall march on.

And lo! You call me the next day,
Saying “I am here”, for us to meet;
And all I could think of was,
The big day had arrived for me to greet.

Didn’t get the time to think,
Not that I wanted that time;
Summoning all my strength I hastily rode on,
As time seemed to fly fast by.

After the initial humdrum of the place,
That seemed like a courtroom trial had just begun,
I, for the first time, lay my eyes on my angel,
There she stood, my arrival at the corridor in her mind in oblivion.

So there I stood, looking at her from the safe distance that I was,
Stopping my heart for a moment, like it wanted to live in that blissful moment forever;
Then you disappeared into the room, and I called to say that I was there,
And waving her hand, my angel stood face to face with me……..so far, yet so near.

After that I know not what happened,
We talked, we laughed, we walked, we held hands;
Like a candle in the wind, nervousness so easily gave way,
As if it knew no more of its moronic existence.

And so it ended, the reality that was infinitely more beautiful than I’d dreamed,
Time still being in a frenzy, not aware of when to start flowing again;
And then it rained, begging me to imbibe in me that sense of destiny divine,
That I had so long, so meticulously, wanted to throw away, and sanity, gain.

Well, time seems to know its ways of shifting back to normalness,
‘Coz time had again started to, and indeed is, passing by;
But this time with me able to subdue feelings that had been rendered hopeless,
Maybe it was a well organized combination of mental epilates, but one that lets me survive by.

Don’t know how long subdued I can keep these thoughts,
Pandemonium, I know, is restless to thrive again;
I only hope I have in me strength enough to make her see,
The masquerade of happiness that I’ll have put on again.

Now when I look back at things, I can only wish,
For you to have not cared for me so much;
Maybe then things wouldn’t have been as tough,
Perhaps I could have gotten over you as such.

But angels can grant human wishes only so much,
Knowing which, I can only pray to be able to help myself;
‘Coz it was because of you that I now have an idea of what love is,
And I can’t see how I can keep your thoughts far from myself.

Well, I guess it’s over now,
Or at least it should be;
You’re going to a new place, leaving,
With a new beginning to make for me.

I shall try to make things easier for me now,
Guess “The Only Thing Constant Is Change” is true;
So, knowing that I’m a changed man now,
Guess I’ll find a reason to continue through.

Got to think, I should be able to get over you, and someday,
These “Random Thoughts Of A Conflicted Mind“ will end too;
But for now, let me bathe in this sea of nostalgia,
And liberate my mind from thoughts reminiscent of you.

All of these are entering my mind at once,
Those countless little shockwaves you produced within me;
The mutual “happiness is for you” talks that we had,
And those tears that you shed with me.

Your waking me up that morning, intoxicating as it was,
And your persuasion in another for me to go see the doc early;
And then, there’s the day, the moment, that we met ,
And how your smile always used to make my day so easily.

Holding your hands, ruffling your hair,
Hearing your voice, breathing your breath;
Walking with you, looking at you,
Accepting your gift, and bidding goodbye…....

All of these I recall now, happily….lovingly,
Hoping they never can hurt me again;
For, this thing that we had together,
Its got to be for something good, says my faith again.

So, I guess that’s it…..adieu, my anjo incomum,
Be happy in your new life, that’s what I’ve always wanted;
Hope you find solutions to all your difficulties and problems,
So you’d never have to run away, which you fear is for you fate granted.

It’s been a long time now, but nothing has changed…
Penning these thoughts down, randomly as they come,
I thought could one day stop me from thinking about you;
But instead it has left me mortgaged, just as I had become.

Can’t run, can’t hide, can’t breathe, can’t die,
Oh God! Why did I ignore, I was falling into this shit?
No motive, no anger, no elation, no regret….
Why can’t I now even choose for myself to not exist?

Devoid of any feeling, devoid of a sense of purpose,
I don’t know what I end up doing in the days to come;
Maybe this storm decides to shun down on hopeless me,
Or maybe it doesn’t, and I’ll get to my end, myself done.

Tonight, it feels so cold, so scary, so clueless,
Yet I feel a kind of ecstasy, I know I should not;
Something’s urging quarantined thoughts to brim up again,
Is time devising a new order of events, I can’t help but to hope not.

(image used in the post is same as the one attached by the person who has written the poem).
Copyright © 2010